"Why me?"

"Why me?"



I had a thought just a few minutes back. A very depressing one. The one which made me go, "I hate myself."

Back in 2004, during the days on DJ grounds. Yea, back to those days. I was a senior in high school, and finally had my first taste in courtship (at least i think i had) . Things went ok (at least i think it did), i guess, until the very moment, it had to just occur before the SPM Trial Examination.

Yeap, she turned up w/ another guy. I can't help think about that very incident. The moment i was rejected, indirectly as it was. I couldn't slept for the night. Yea, SPM Trials paper no.1 the following day. Screwed up, eh? I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I had never experienced such a feeling before. It was worse than being hit in between the legs. I rather wish that happened.

The following day, after the exam. I screwd up. Totally. Everybody found out what happened on that day. Most of my friends talked bout it. That was it. The time. I'd wish i was alone. "I hate my life." I thought. I had for a long time.

As far back as I can remember all I wanted was to be loved and accepted. Instead, I was ridiculed and put down for everything that happened recently. I was relentlessly bombarded with names especially a "fucking loser". A very fucking loser to all of them indeed. I was belittled with vulgar comments, flamed, insulted etc etc.

I ended up with no personality, no confidence, no hope, nothing that will cause me to be respected just as a friend. I felt like a total screw up.

After the exam, at Dave's Deli @ 1U New Wing. I was having lunch w/ a few friends. Still after the exam i was a prime target for "my friends". I was non-stop continously called a fucking loser throughout the entire session @ the restaurant. I felt like just leaving the place and "my friends". I was totally embarrased and felt so small...tiny. I'm nothing but something to be thrown at w/ names and vulgarity.

I so hated my life at the moment. How did I get here?

I always knew i was a little behind all my friends in highschool. I wasn't as intelligent as them in academic terms, nor streetmart intelligent as well. I wasn't as athletic as them. I couldn't be compared to them as well in the world of cybergames. That incident where I first experienced the rejection i knew would scar me for life. I never could get it off my mind. Even know that still hits me in the back of my head.


Joshua..you fucking loser. You loser. You fucking loser. You lost. You fucking loser.



Things were going so horribly bad that I was surprised that God hadn't struck me dead or i got hadn't got hit by a truck/car/tank/lorry/etc etc. I had to tolerate all this....shit. I didn't get any respect as a friend. At that point, i was always deep in thought on what would it take to earn back that respect. As the way things were going, i said screw it.

I just wanted to disappear off the face of the earth but life kept happening, and I was a very unwilling participant. All i just wanted, being respected, as a friend. Not by anything else. Not by some taikor, boss, etc etc...but as a friend.

I was so low, that I knew I had no future if I tried to do it on my own. This mess i called My Life had been marked by anger and rebellion and unfortunately those things don't disappear overnight. Night after night, day after day, i always wondered who am i to "my friends".

Am i just somebody to poke fun at? Or was I a symbol of ridiculty?

The aftermath - i screwed my SPM, but managed to just make it into college - Taylors.


I decided to start fresh.






-blessings.


-tsencai.