"Never Well - Part II"

"Never Well"


Admist to the previous post - i would to simply take the time to elaborate slightly more before anyone of you jump to conclusions.

I have a problem.

I don't know how common this is, but for me, the main problem is that I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. There are few people out there who i actually care for, or who care for me (i think). However, i have never been into any real intimacy.

This has bee a long-term pattern with my life, it's been going on years yet that it's quite possible i can forsee that it will remain unchanged. I totally don't like the idea of this. Neither do you.

I would like to have friends i could be truly close to (yes, i have :] ), someone i could be in love with, but i think i'm psychologically screwed up eough that i don't know how to make this happen. I would really love to think that if i had love and intimacy in my life, life wouldn't suck nearly as much.

Ever felt like you're totally lost? or even trapped?

Before any of you make comments to this, such as maybe saying i'm some desperate shitz, some really sad case fella, really bad case of low-self-esteem, cheer-up, or i have some lousy attitude thinking about all this.....

or maybe something like this -

Life doesn't suck. Your attitude is what sucks.

or this -

Life is what you make of it. If you want it to suck, it will suck. Life isnt that bad. Ive been through alot of shit in my life, I could have given up but I didnt and Im better off for it.

and then you start elaborating on your bad past and bla bla bla...



or a more aggressive response -




What sucks is when people have decent lives, yet still complain about them.





I reckon responses like these would directly come from people with decent or happy lives. Well, if you're a happy person, you must be surrounded by people who you love and who love you. You can do what you want to do in life. You have achieved alot. You are at peace with who you are - and therefore you don't have any reason to feel trapped. Your life is awesome!

That means you're in the wrong page. You may as well click on back on your web browser.

Anyway, currently i'm not a very happy person. I may seem like i'm happy, but i'm not (i must've mentioned this a ga-zillion times).

Maybe i'm too blur. Maybe i'm too boring. People tend to think i'm a boring person. Or maybe my mind is screwed up and i'm in pain all the time. Maybe the chemicals in my brains are imbalanced. I don't know. Let me know if you actually know what's wrong with me.

So I struggle with all these problems year after year, and i'm getting nowhere, and i wonder if anything will ever change.

Anyway and obviously, i'm not going to give up so easily, right? Life goes on!

So i keep struggling to solve my problems, to change myself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, nothings changed. Life's never been. And i see all these people out there who are blissfully free of problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for me to as well, right? I mean - life goes on!

But, i can't do any good as them. I always wondered what's it like to be like them. To feel good.

I tell them whats going on, but they aren't doing me any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being me. Obviously..

I've already listed out likely responses i'll get...and its funny...

kinda paradoxical event in a way. A multiplying event.

Nvm. I'll get to that some time. I need to sleep now.




Remember life is a gift.. try not to waste the time you've got :)

- i always tell that to myself :]

- take care and God bless.

- tsencai.